Grieving Voice

Depression is one of the most insidious, disabling, conditions that I know of. It cripples you in a way that no other illness can. It takes from you your very will to live. It fills your core with emptiness and it snuffs out your soul. It leaves you with nothing but fear, dread, despair, and hopelessness.

It empties your hope vault and robs you of any prosperity. It takes your will to live, love, and carry on from you like a thief in the night. In its wake you are left sliding down a slop of misery with no hope of arresting your fall. Its a constant chess game of move, counter move, and move again to just keep it from completely overwhelming you. It takes all of your energy just to fight it on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis. There is no reprieve from it, just subtle moments of less pain.

The suffering that depression inflicts on a person is so insidious that it out stretches the most heinous tortures of man. With hope a person can survive the worst that humanity can through at them. From death camps to floating alone on an ocean, as long as you have hope you can suffer through and live. Without hope, nothing is bearable. Your only reprieve is death and with that you know will come pain for others and therefore, for most, that option is off the table.

That being said, as a person who has been fighting depression for most, if not all, of my life, I feel as though things are out of control around me. From the people I care about to the state of our political system. I believe that my depression is being adversely affected by a prevailing sense that things are have gone horribly wrong. This underlining feeling has materialized as an overwhelming, yet subtle sense of fear that is causing me to experience a pronounced sense of dread, despair, hopelessness, and isolation.

I am tired all the time; just warn down tired. I am experiencing a constant state of anxiety over things going wrong.. I cannot shake this feeling that things are going to get worse, not better, for everyone and that in and of itself is generating this prevailing sense of out of controlness that I am feeling.

It is as though I am per-grieving the loss of loved ones because I know that time takes everyone and everything that we care about from us and we are powerless to stop it. That sense of being powerless is also contributing to the feeling that things are out of control. I don't know how else to summarize it. I hate how I feel and wouldn't wish this on any one.

I hate always being worried about the what ifs, the daunting never ending thoughts of harm will befall the people I love, or tragedy will occur at any second, feeling overwhelmed by other peoples problems, being sucked into the stress that other folks feel, and knowing that things will not be getting any better for the foreseeable future. It is as though I know how the story ends and I am being forced to watch the movie version bored to death, in pain, fill with fear, and apprehensive about its ending. I want to stand up and shout to the audience, “we all die in the end. The whole point of life is pointless. We are going to have to watch our loved ones go one at a time, lose the things we love, see the things we cherish taken from us, and endure the ever grinding boot of oppression and failure. We will never get the things we want out of life, only misery and pain will come our way. Why are you all sitting here watching it? There is no point to it!”

But that’s just how I feel inside and I know its the depression talking. The fight against depression sucks away all of my energy leaving me beaten down and exhausted. :I don't want to see any one harmed, or have their hope lifted from their lives like a wallet by a pick pocket at a county fair. But I honestly don't see any point of ignoring the simple inexcusable fact that no matter what we do, it all ends the same way for each of us. In the end time will catch up to us and make its kill. Whether we are enjoying a sunny afternoon with the family, or just sleeping the night away, when its our time, its game over. And knowing that, and knowing its unavoidable, is the same thing as knowing how the story ends. I just don't see any hope and no point to any of this. Why stick around to see what I know is coming to pass? Simple answer, to see it come. I know that’s silly, but I think that is why most people with depression chose to continue living; curiosity.

So in place of hope I have curiosity. That is a sad exchange but its the best a person can negotiate with depression.

I'm Not A Mind Reader

Well I managed, quite innocently I might add, to piss off the nephews mother. Talk about a women who can go from being your best friend to hating your guts in zero to sixty, she holds the world record for it.

In my defense, I can honest say that I have done nothing but help her at every turn. I have been their for her and the boys without fail, provided support, a home, money for a car, food, clothing, emotional support during hard times, etc and that is all flushed away all because I answered a simple question from one of my nephews about why their mothers brother has a different name than that of their mothers, (He is her half brother)

It was atomic. She went absolutely stratospheric! I mean blew her top worse than Mt St. Helens. Hell they could have seen her blow from space! You'd think I'd have just tore up the winning 40 million dollar lotto ticket or blew the kids college fund on cheep beer and strippers. It caught me so completely off guard that at first I honestly thought she was just having some fun, but no. Oh no, much to my surprise, it was for real.

I was like thinking to myself, "WOW" WTF! Excuse me? How the hell was I suppose to know that her own sons had no idea after 14 years that their mothers brother was her half brother when they don't have the same dad or share the same last name, or even the same skin color? God forgive me I thought it was fucking obvious. I mean for crying out loud duh. He's her half brother. And for saying that my name is now MUD.

Still WTF! Now she hates my guts (again) and now my nephews, whom love me very much, are stuck feeling as though they are at fault since their mother, without any warning, goes off the deep end over something as mundane as this, and decrees without reprieve, that I can no longer see them now. Never mind the fact that they both think of me more as a father than an uncle since I have been there for them since birth whereas no one else other than their mother has been. But now, all because I answered an innocent and quite obvious question, I am persona non grata. What a wonderful ending to an otherwise perfect day.

Seems like the 5th of July is just not our families day. (Back in 93 on the fifth we lost my only sister, her unborn son, and my brothers best friend all to one single traffic accident.)

I know its wrong, but sometimes I wish my brother would have been man enough to fight her in court for full custody of the boys instead of just letting her have her way. Then again that was the easiest way of dealing with her or so he thought. . She is one crazy lady. I hate to say that but honestly, that is a mental diagnoses as normal women, even the ones that aren't so normal, don't normally blow up to the extreme when you answer a simple family related question. Or at least not in my 42 years of experience that hasn't been the case. But I could be wrong. Look it just happened to me.

I might add that she also lacks empathy and has a real Dr. Jekyll, Mr Hide personality. She's your friend as long as she needs you. This I know and expect from her after 15 years, but losing her cool as she did over something as obvious and normal as answering an innocent and simple question was truly unexpected. I know, I know, when it comes to unstable people I should have anticipated it, but honestly, I am not a mind reader so no, I didn't see this one coming. Muh bad.

Nevertheless, I took responsibility for the affront and sent her a sincere apology via facebook that I really doubt she'll read before deleting. Chances are she'll stay mad at me for about two years then cool off. You see she must have someone in her life to be angry at and well I guess its my turn once again. Lucky me. In her defense, in the last week she has suffered some horrible emotional trauma. She lost her cat of 23 years, and her grandmother all on the same day. Couple that with her normal unstable mental condition, and you have a powder keg ready to go off. She needed to lash out over her loss and like last time she faced such hardship, I end up being the target for her anger and frustrations. It really hurts but what can one expect from a person who genuinely lacks empathy toward those she sees as only tools. (We tools are people too.).

I take some solace in the thought that there is but only four more years of this emotion roller coaster crap to go before the boys can truly act independently of their mother and make the choice to come see me or not solely on their own. I don't know what time holds and four years is a very long time for things to change in but I can only hope that the time goes buy quickly and only good things come in those years.

Despite everything, I pray for her and know that even though she is the way she is, if she called and needed help, even if it wouldn't change a thing, I'd still be there to help her because despite it all, she is still like a sister to me and she is the mother of my nephews. All things being considered, she is what most folks can call, a good mom. She loves the boys, sometimes too protectively, but non the less, with all of her heart. I just hope that when the time comes for them to stand on their own, she'll be able to let go and let them become the men that need to become for themselves. .

She might be a strange bird to be sure, but even though she can switch between friend and foe mode in a nanosecond and without any warning, she is family. I hope this will work itself out but when dealing with such personalities as hers, God only knows what will happen. It could be over in a day or take years for her to come to terms with the emotions that drive her. I pray for a short recovery but fear, and expect, a long haul this time out. That makes me sad because it will have such an adverse affect upon my two nephews who will blame themselves for this mess. They are good boys and it just kills me to see them burdened with such thoughts. I will make every effort to insure that they know that no one is to blame. That these sort of things happen and that its painful but in the long run, with any luck, things always seem to work out for the best . God willing.